4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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