Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
