sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
