What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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