I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
