I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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