Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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