I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Say something about gay babies.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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