But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
