Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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