You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
