Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
