Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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