If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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