My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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