i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
