the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
