It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
