alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
