I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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