she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
