This gyro tastes like lonliness
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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