New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
