capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
