Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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