Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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