Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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