sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
