her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
