Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
