i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
