hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
