saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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