I think my fart just growled at me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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