I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
