I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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