the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The Olympian is in my bed
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
