can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
