I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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