you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
