I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My ass is underappreciated
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
