I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
