woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
