Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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