I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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