omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My ATM looks so different sober.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Randomize
