he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
