i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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