i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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