wanna go halves on a baby?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
